Confusion or Confucius...

Jason has been gone for going on two weeks. It may be another week before he come home. Home....  This place where home is supposed to be feels empty. Fake. It seems that we are just going through the motions of love. I know he loves me and I am infatuated with this man but Monday will be our 4 year anniversary and he will not be home. 

4 years may not seem that long to some but we have made it past the odds. Most realationships only last 6 months or less when it comes to gay relationships. We beat the odds but have ran into this unexplainable "wall". The fights are mostly now because the other feels I don't know .... Ignored. I mean we are separated by countries but by other things as well. I want a family, friends and a Husband. I love it when our house is full of love and laughter. He likes a low-key space when he comes home. I can understand that.

I don't know what I am getting at. I feel very "Broken". My love life and my social life seem to be incompatible. In the summer time there is always something to do outside. The winter Sucks!!! I am left to my thoughts which seem to be my worse enemy lately. I don't have the drive to care anymore. Seems like I am a zombie just going through daily life being unnoticed. 

The one shining moments are the phone calls that don't end up in a fight, going to the farm to see the kids, laying in bed watching him sleep. (Yea I know it is creepy but it is true) When he lays there and my arms are wrapped around him I know it will be ok. It is hard when he is another country to feel everything will be ok...

Like I said "Confusion or Confucius?"