Life has to be some cruel joke....

Ok I am back even if it is just a brief post. LIFE SUCKS but in both a good way and a bad way.... I love my life but WTF? Laid off bills, Bills, job leads that go no where I mean I know this is part of life but MAN.... this is not fair!!! I do all i can for this family and get nothing ( as far as good karma ) in return... I get laid off the other job I really was hoping for is jerking me around. I dont have enough money to start my own business (Landscaping(which I love)) I am fucked.... yes I can survive on the scraps from Jason's table ( and dont get me wrong if I wanted something he would get it for me) But this is not how I saw my time here in Momence. I love to work... I love to love.... I love to be loved but this has to be some cruel joke.... The tension between my mother and me can be cut with a knife in the air of the room we are standing in.... the frustration between my husband ( thats right he is my husband and anyone who begs to differ can kiss the scrawnyest part of my ass (which would be all of it)) and me is silent but there... I wanna go back to school but cant afford it I cant afford not to because noone wants to hire a drop out.... And NOT TO MENTION the fact that on a moments notice I can be on a plane to wherever he is and understandably, when he is home he wants me to be home.......


I dont know. I am feeling useless, helpless, and understandably frustrated with all of this... We take two steps forward just to get knocked back 1 million..... I am strong gay man and I know this!!!! Why can I not deal with this?!?!?

Frazzled

Ok well it has been a while but I finally got a chance to steal Jason's computer. It has been a long time since the last post so I may leave some shit out. My truck has been down for almost three weeks. Finally found out what the problem was but spent alot more money than I needed to. I even went to try and buy a new truck and was told that I would be better to have had a repo, forclosure or Bankrupcy rather than be a first time buyer.

I had an awsome birthday. My friends organized a great shin dig and Suprised me. My mind is so flustered right now I can not get my thoughts straight... I will write more when I am at peace...

UPDATE!

Ok so my laptop has had a horrible virus and I am working on it. I will be back on as soon!

Dear %$#^%^$@!!!!

Insert what ever word you want there. I don't know who you are but I do know that you took something irreplaceable from me. You took something that does not belong to you. You had the f*cking nerve to break a window on a car you did not even own. Hell a car I did not even own! A f*cking rental car. You then proceeded to take a coat. Ok the fact that you left the tool box, the gps even the change in the cup holder makes me belive you were a homeless person who just wanted a coat to stay warm. If that was it...... I could of handled that.... We could of handled it. You saw a coat, you were cold... I get that. Why not leave the camera? The camera that was given to me on our 4th anniversary. The camera that Jason saved 3 months for. The camera that had pictures/memories that can never be replaced. Us at the Golden Gate. Us on the Golden Gate. Alcatraz. Sea Lions. Fisherman's Wharf. Breathtaking scenes of my life that are still just a blur in my mind. You took something very special to me. To us. In this economy to have a mortgage payment and still save up 1300 dollars to buy a gift.... You are scum! My partner worked so hard for this .... for me... If you would of just broken the window and took the coat... that could of been forgotten.  Easily forgiven even. BUT to take that fucking camera is like taking someone's... I don't even know. I don't get how.... I just don't get it. You leave the GPS, the tool box. Even the freaking 6 bucks in the cup holder from the Golden Gate Toll bridge. You were cold. I get that. You saw the coat and though no one would miss it. And really it was a really ugly coat and Jason's company will replace it. So when you pulled it out and noticed the HUGE FUCKING CAMERA... WHY? 

I know these are answers I will never get but I really hope you were someone who needed the money from selling that thing. I really hope your single parent who needed to feed their kids but being in San Francisco I know you were just a Drug addict (maybe a chef... Ha Ha Mel..)

You took more than just a camera you took Memories, Symbolism of hard work, and a gift that ment the world to me. Even though I don't go to church I feel I have to forgive you. As a good christian I feel a little guilted into forgiving you. But not now... not yet... but someday maybe on my death bed I will forgive you but don't expect it soon...

Lost in the cell age...

Ok so no phone sucks. I miss him but it is so much more managable knowing he will only be gone for another day or two. Still having the issue but see it from a different point now. I do wanna point out this blog is an extension of my journal and not everyone all the time will understand/appreciate what is being written here. If I censor myself or don't ask the hard questions what is the poupose of this then. I hope those with bruised feelings dont hold it against me...

HUH?

Ok. I need some wisdom. Seems I am having a problem. Long of the short is I have a friend who has two ex-girlfriends I am friends with. (With me still?) One girl is a long time friend and one is a new friend. The older friend is under the assumption that I want her and the new friend to be in one place at one time. (Still with me?) This is not an issue because that mistake can happen only once . (Hang on there I am getting to some sort of point.) So some how my older friend is mad because she thinks I am asking her to cross some sort ivisiable line...? (Got it? Great now explain it to me?)

Wow. 4 years...

To my love, 

Seems just like yesterday you walked into Polo Cafe on the south side. Just like yesterday that you met my mom in that apartment in Humbolt Park.  The first time you let me take the subie when you left to go out of town. Moving in together. Our first fight. Our first make-up sex. That night at Angelina's when you and I could not actually get the words out but both knew what the other was getting at. Actually saying "Do you think we can make this work."

Sneaking me into my first Boystown bar. Turning 21 in the doorway of Crew. Me leaving Polo for Hilton. The night I proposed in the middle of Michigan  Ave. Moving into Jefferson Park. You going back to Reiser. My first trip anywhere. Columbia River Gorge. San Fransico. Hanford. Boston. Providence Town. L.A. Wyoming. Stergis. Rushmore. The freaking Corn Palace. North Carolina. Raleigh. Camp Lajune. Dallas. 

Our first home. Our first Dog. Ripping walls out. Putting walls up. Fighting. Making up:)

Wow as I look at this.... I pray that the next four are as wonderful as the first.

Love you JVD

JMR Jr.

A rock and my hard head!!!

Well today is a good day... I could not tell you why. Maybe because the sun is out. Maybe because I am not letting my life's tests get me down. I dont know why but after yesterday today has no choice but to be a good day. I feel bad for the way I treated Jason yesterday but I have learned that sometimes it takes a good chewing out for him to see my point of view.... Now if only I could see my own point of view.

HE works so hard for this household but he is not the only one and I think he forgets that. Yes my daily trials might be small and minuscular compared to his. They do add up though. Life is a very hard, long trial that can suck the life literally right out of you. 

When it was all said and done I ended the night by saying I love you. This is something that we have always said but might of lost meaning by being said so many time but it is true. If I were to lose him I would lose a piece of myself. I know alot of people don't believe that the winter months are depressing. Some people love it I hate it. Even now as I write this I dont understand how somthing as stupid as the weather can control my life with such an Iron fist. I let it too... which boggles my mind. 

I have always been stronger than this. It is my choice to be this way and I let myself be consumed with this dark cloud of anger, hate, injustice. Nothing can stop me. I know this!!! I know this but still I let my world be steered by feelings that even I don't understand. I do know this I love that Man.

No one would of signed up for this. Neither he or I would of been with someone like the other. But somehow it works. My mom is dying I know this and to a point I have accepted it. Same with his mom. We show things differently. I still remember when my mom died on the table in the emergency room when we still lived in Chicago. He was so strong and held me and my brother as we watch our mother slip out of our lives. Even if it was only for a second or two.... may of been minutes it all seems a blur now but he was there never shedding a tear and holding me and my brother as we watched her leave us. 

He seemed to be a rock. Then when she was home and all was better he broke down. The fact that my mom... Someone he has grown very close to over the past few years maybe as close as he is to his own mom in ways almost left him. Then and only then did he lose his composure and let me be his rock. Days like yesterday I forget this. 

I forget how he has made me a better man. How could I. I feel guilty now a day later. No one is perfect but he tries time and time again to make me a better person with me fighting him all along the way. Maybe that is where I can become disappointed in myself because I do forget this. Today will be better because he makes me a better person. Love is a crazy thing!  Maybe that is why I am crazy about this boy.......

On the Brink!!!

Seems today needed to be the most trying day of this week. I have been in fiscal trouble since my hours have been cut. Well today I took my gas hog of a truck to work and now something is wrong with the transfer case( or I have been told)  When calling my loving husband to express my feelings on the day I was told "Why are you taking this out on me?" I am so done with being the bad guy... Today might as well of been friday the 13th... 

Confusion or Confucius...

Jason has been gone for going on two weeks. It may be another week before he come home. Home....  This place where home is supposed to be feels empty. Fake. It seems that we are just going through the motions of love. I know he loves me and I am infatuated with this man but Monday will be our 4 year anniversary and he will not be home. 

4 years may not seem that long to some but we have made it past the odds. Most realationships only last 6 months or less when it comes to gay relationships. We beat the odds but have ran into this unexplainable "wall". The fights are mostly now because the other feels I don't know .... Ignored. I mean we are separated by countries but by other things as well. I want a family, friends and a Husband. I love it when our house is full of love and laughter. He likes a low-key space when he comes home. I can understand that.

I don't know what I am getting at. I feel very "Broken". My love life and my social life seem to be incompatible. In the summer time there is always something to do outside. The winter Sucks!!! I am left to my thoughts which seem to be my worse enemy lately. I don't have the drive to care anymore. Seems like I am a zombie just going through daily life being unnoticed. 

The one shining moments are the phone calls that don't end up in a fight, going to the farm to see the kids, laying in bed watching him sleep. (Yea I know it is creepy but it is true) When he lays there and my arms are wrapped around him I know it will be ok. It is hard when he is another country to feel everything will be ok...

Like I said "Confusion or Confucius?" 

What ELSE!!!

So last night was quite interesting. My Mom has been very sick for a few days now. She has had a bladder/BM control for about 4 days. My friend Ben went up to visit her Sunday in her room and saw what I have been dealing with for the last few days.

Last night I told her that she was going to the hospital either by ambulance or calling to see if my aunt would take her to Cook County Hospital. I would of taken her but I had a Class this morning. We basically had to carry her outside. It was the first time my mother willing used a walker. That was a big thing. Here I am supposed to be taking care of her and I am not doing so well. Worst of all is now my aunt is in this with no clue what has been going on. 

I could just picture what was being said in the car. Why did they not take you days ago? Why did he let it get so bad? Basically judging me. SHE HAS NO CLUE! 2 days ago I said lets go to the hospital and she said "Lets give it a day" 

One thing my mother has always taught me was compassion. I know what she has been going through for over 5 years. Knowing how she has been treated in the past I could understand her not wanting to go to the Hospitals here in K3.  

So this morning I missed a class because of an accident on Interstate 57. I get home and call the hospital. She was never admitted! After a few very precise words the women stated "Sir there is no Wendy Rich here". 

Seems she went to county and there were about 1000 people in the er. With the colder weather the Emergency room fills with people sick from being out in the cold and people just looking to get out of the cold. My aunt finally after 3 hours and still about 100 people in front of my mom decided it would be better to take mom to her house. The fever is broken but she is still in a lot of pain and discomfort.

I don't know what I am going to do. If I were a doctor, which I am not, I would worry that her body is shutting down. I mean they discharged from the ICU! She obviously was craving a smoke and did not care how she got out but she was getting out. Now she looks like she is dying. I mean she is hallucinating! 

Just pray for now......

Something New

So the first "Blog". Well kinda. I have a Journal that I write in. I am not the best writer but I am hoping to use this as a way to "practice". Hell it can't hurt! I am not sure if it will even stick, but it is worth a shot. And let me just say in advance that spelling/grammar is not my strong point. If it does not have spell check my life sucks! I just found out today that I missed a "H" in school on the billboard. Not my shining moment. Well lets see where this goes......