A rock and my hard head!!!

Well today is a good day... I could not tell you why. Maybe because the sun is out. Maybe because I am not letting my life's tests get me down. I dont know why but after yesterday today has no choice but to be a good day. I feel bad for the way I treated Jason yesterday but I have learned that sometimes it takes a good chewing out for him to see my point of view.... Now if only I could see my own point of view.

HE works so hard for this household but he is not the only one and I think he forgets that. Yes my daily trials might be small and minuscular compared to his. They do add up though. Life is a very hard, long trial that can suck the life literally right out of you. 

When it was all said and done I ended the night by saying I love you. This is something that we have always said but might of lost meaning by being said so many time but it is true. If I were to lose him I would lose a piece of myself. I know alot of people don't believe that the winter months are depressing. Some people love it I hate it. Even now as I write this I dont understand how somthing as stupid as the weather can control my life with such an Iron fist. I let it too... which boggles my mind. 

I have always been stronger than this. It is my choice to be this way and I let myself be consumed with this dark cloud of anger, hate, injustice. Nothing can stop me. I know this!!! I know this but still I let my world be steered by feelings that even I don't understand. I do know this I love that Man.

No one would of signed up for this. Neither he or I would of been with someone like the other. But somehow it works. My mom is dying I know this and to a point I have accepted it. Same with his mom. We show things differently. I still remember when my mom died on the table in the emergency room when we still lived in Chicago. He was so strong and held me and my brother as we watch our mother slip out of our lives. Even if it was only for a second or two.... may of been minutes it all seems a blur now but he was there never shedding a tear and holding me and my brother as we watched her leave us. 

He seemed to be a rock. Then when she was home and all was better he broke down. The fact that my mom... Someone he has grown very close to over the past few years maybe as close as he is to his own mom in ways almost left him. Then and only then did he lose his composure and let me be his rock. Days like yesterday I forget this. 

I forget how he has made me a better man. How could I. I feel guilty now a day later. No one is perfect but he tries time and time again to make me a better person with me fighting him all along the way. Maybe that is where I can become disappointed in myself because I do forget this. Today will be better because he makes me a better person. Love is a crazy thing!  Maybe that is why I am crazy about this boy.......

On the Brink!!!

Seems today needed to be the most trying day of this week. I have been in fiscal trouble since my hours have been cut. Well today I took my gas hog of a truck to work and now something is wrong with the transfer case( or I have been told)  When calling my loving husband to express my feelings on the day I was told "Why are you taking this out on me?" I am so done with being the bad guy... Today might as well of been friday the 13th... 

Confusion or Confucius...

Jason has been gone for going on two weeks. It may be another week before he come home. Home....  This place where home is supposed to be feels empty. Fake. It seems that we are just going through the motions of love. I know he loves me and I am infatuated with this man but Monday will be our 4 year anniversary and he will not be home. 

4 years may not seem that long to some but we have made it past the odds. Most realationships only last 6 months or less when it comes to gay relationships. We beat the odds but have ran into this unexplainable "wall". The fights are mostly now because the other feels I don't know .... Ignored. I mean we are separated by countries but by other things as well. I want a family, friends and a Husband. I love it when our house is full of love and laughter. He likes a low-key space when he comes home. I can understand that.

I don't know what I am getting at. I feel very "Broken". My love life and my social life seem to be incompatible. In the summer time there is always something to do outside. The winter Sucks!!! I am left to my thoughts which seem to be my worse enemy lately. I don't have the drive to care anymore. Seems like I am a zombie just going through daily life being unnoticed. 

The one shining moments are the phone calls that don't end up in a fight, going to the farm to see the kids, laying in bed watching him sleep. (Yea I know it is creepy but it is true) When he lays there and my arms are wrapped around him I know it will be ok. It is hard when he is another country to feel everything will be ok...

Like I said "Confusion or Confucius?" 

What ELSE!!!

So last night was quite interesting. My Mom has been very sick for a few days now. She has had a bladder/BM control for about 4 days. My friend Ben went up to visit her Sunday in her room and saw what I have been dealing with for the last few days.

Last night I told her that she was going to the hospital either by ambulance or calling to see if my aunt would take her to Cook County Hospital. I would of taken her but I had a Class this morning. We basically had to carry her outside. It was the first time my mother willing used a walker. That was a big thing. Here I am supposed to be taking care of her and I am not doing so well. Worst of all is now my aunt is in this with no clue what has been going on. 

I could just picture what was being said in the car. Why did they not take you days ago? Why did he let it get so bad? Basically judging me. SHE HAS NO CLUE! 2 days ago I said lets go to the hospital and she said "Lets give it a day" 

One thing my mother has always taught me was compassion. I know what she has been going through for over 5 years. Knowing how she has been treated in the past I could understand her not wanting to go to the Hospitals here in K3.  

So this morning I missed a class because of an accident on Interstate 57. I get home and call the hospital. She was never admitted! After a few very precise words the women stated "Sir there is no Wendy Rich here". 

Seems she went to county and there were about 1000 people in the er. With the colder weather the Emergency room fills with people sick from being out in the cold and people just looking to get out of the cold. My aunt finally after 3 hours and still about 100 people in front of my mom decided it would be better to take mom to her house. The fever is broken but she is still in a lot of pain and discomfort.

I don't know what I am going to do. If I were a doctor, which I am not, I would worry that her body is shutting down. I mean they discharged from the ICU! She obviously was craving a smoke and did not care how she got out but she was getting out. Now she looks like she is dying. I mean she is hallucinating! 

Just pray for now......

Something New

So the first "Blog". Well kinda. I have a Journal that I write in. I am not the best writer but I am hoping to use this as a way to "practice". Hell it can't hurt! I am not sure if it will even stick, but it is worth a shot. And let me just say in advance that spelling/grammar is not my strong point. If it does not have spell check my life sucks! I just found out today that I missed a "H" in school on the billboard. Not my shining moment. Well lets see where this goes......