Life has to be some cruel joke....

Ok I am back even if it is just a brief post. LIFE SUCKS but in both a good way and a bad way.... I love my life but WTF? Laid off bills, Bills, job leads that go no where I mean I know this is part of life but MAN.... this is not fair!!! I do all i can for this family and get nothing ( as far as good karma ) in return... I get laid off the other job I really was hoping for is jerking me around. I dont have enough money to start my own business (Landscaping(which I love)) I am fucked.... yes I can survive on the scraps from Jason's table ( and dont get me wrong if I wanted something he would get it for me) But this is not how I saw my time here in Momence. I love to work... I love to love.... I love to be loved but this has to be some cruel joke.... The tension between my mother and me can be cut with a knife in the air of the room we are standing in.... the frustration between my husband ( thats right he is my husband and anyone who begs to differ can kiss the scrawnyest part of my ass (which would be all of it)) and me is silent but there... I wanna go back to school but cant afford it I cant afford not to because noone wants to hire a drop out.... And NOT TO MENTION the fact that on a moments notice I can be on a plane to wherever he is and understandably, when he is home he wants me to be home.......


I dont know. I am feeling useless, helpless, and understandably frustrated with all of this... We take two steps forward just to get knocked back 1 million..... I am strong gay man and I know this!!!! Why can I not deal with this?!?!?

Frazzled

Ok well it has been a while but I finally got a chance to steal Jason's computer. It has been a long time since the last post so I may leave some shit out. My truck has been down for almost three weeks. Finally found out what the problem was but spent alot more money than I needed to. I even went to try and buy a new truck and was told that I would be better to have had a repo, forclosure or Bankrupcy rather than be a first time buyer.

I had an awsome birthday. My friends organized a great shin dig and Suprised me. My mind is so flustered right now I can not get my thoughts straight... I will write more when I am at peace...

UPDATE!

Ok so my laptop has had a horrible virus and I am working on it. I will be back on as soon!

Dear %$#^%^$@!!!!

Insert what ever word you want there. I don't know who you are but I do know that you took something irreplaceable from me. You took something that does not belong to you. You had the f*cking nerve to break a window on a car you did not even own. Hell a car I did not even own! A f*cking rental car. You then proceeded to take a coat. Ok the fact that you left the tool box, the gps even the change in the cup holder makes me belive you were a homeless person who just wanted a coat to stay warm. If that was it...... I could of handled that.... We could of handled it. You saw a coat, you were cold... I get that. Why not leave the camera? The camera that was given to me on our 4th anniversary. The camera that Jason saved 3 months for. The camera that had pictures/memories that can never be replaced. Us at the Golden Gate. Us on the Golden Gate. Alcatraz. Sea Lions. Fisherman's Wharf. Breathtaking scenes of my life that are still just a blur in my mind. You took something very special to me. To us. In this economy to have a mortgage payment and still save up 1300 dollars to buy a gift.... You are scum! My partner worked so hard for this .... for me... If you would of just broken the window and took the coat... that could of been forgotten.  Easily forgiven even. BUT to take that fucking camera is like taking someone's... I don't even know. I don't get how.... I just don't get it. You leave the GPS, the tool box. Even the freaking 6 bucks in the cup holder from the Golden Gate Toll bridge. You were cold. I get that. You saw the coat and though no one would miss it. And really it was a really ugly coat and Jason's company will replace it. So when you pulled it out and noticed the HUGE FUCKING CAMERA... WHY? 

I know these are answers I will never get but I really hope you were someone who needed the money from selling that thing. I really hope your single parent who needed to feed their kids but being in San Francisco I know you were just a Drug addict (maybe a chef... Ha Ha Mel..)

You took more than just a camera you took Memories, Symbolism of hard work, and a gift that ment the world to me. Even though I don't go to church I feel I have to forgive you. As a good christian I feel a little guilted into forgiving you. But not now... not yet... but someday maybe on my death bed I will forgive you but don't expect it soon...

Lost in the cell age...

Ok so no phone sucks. I miss him but it is so much more managable knowing he will only be gone for another day or two. Still having the issue but see it from a different point now. I do wanna point out this blog is an extension of my journal and not everyone all the time will understand/appreciate what is being written here. If I censor myself or don't ask the hard questions what is the poupose of this then. I hope those with bruised feelings dont hold it against me...

HUH?

Ok. I need some wisdom. Seems I am having a problem. Long of the short is I have a friend who has two ex-girlfriends I am friends with. (With me still?) One girl is a long time friend and one is a new friend. The older friend is under the assumption that I want her and the new friend to be in one place at one time. (Still with me?) This is not an issue because that mistake can happen only once . (Hang on there I am getting to some sort of point.) So some how my older friend is mad because she thinks I am asking her to cross some sort ivisiable line...? (Got it? Great now explain it to me?)

Wow. 4 years...

To my love, 

Seems just like yesterday you walked into Polo Cafe on the south side. Just like yesterday that you met my mom in that apartment in Humbolt Park.  The first time you let me take the subie when you left to go out of town. Moving in together. Our first fight. Our first make-up sex. That night at Angelina's when you and I could not actually get the words out but both knew what the other was getting at. Actually saying "Do you think we can make this work."

Sneaking me into my first Boystown bar. Turning 21 in the doorway of Crew. Me leaving Polo for Hilton. The night I proposed in the middle of Michigan  Ave. Moving into Jefferson Park. You going back to Reiser. My first trip anywhere. Columbia River Gorge. San Fransico. Hanford. Boston. Providence Town. L.A. Wyoming. Stergis. Rushmore. The freaking Corn Palace. North Carolina. Raleigh. Camp Lajune. Dallas. 

Our first home. Our first Dog. Ripping walls out. Putting walls up. Fighting. Making up:)

Wow as I look at this.... I pray that the next four are as wonderful as the first.

Love you JVD

JMR Jr.